Spiral
by LoLLZZZZ
Summary: Kurt's not as innocent as he would have everyone believe. Only one person knows this. The one person Kurt can't stand to be around, and the one person he just can't live without. Both Kurt and Sebastian know if they keep this secret up, they'll kill each other, but do they really care? A story of true love or his decent into madness? Or maybe just a neverending downward spiral.
1. Chapter 1

_**Warning**_**: Mentions of sexual activity. Later there might be some acts of sexual activity. One talk of suicide, but it's in reference to someone who commited it.**

**_Rating_:**** T for now.**

_**Characters:**_**Kurt, Sebastian and Blaine. More glee characters in later chapters.**

_**Disclaimer:**_**If I owned Glee, would I write fanfiction?**

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I didn't know how I got into this mess. It started out with something so simple, so sweet. Only after the sweet and simple went away, there was a feeling of fear, anxiety and self doubt. Things hadn't been the same, not since the start of the summer, just after we lost nationals when Blaine admitted to me that he loved me. I told him I loved him back, which I did, and that was the one thing that scared me the most. I loved my mom, she died. I loved my dad, and he almost died, and now every minute since then, I'd been terrified that the last time I seen him would in fact be the last time I'd see him. I thought I'd loved Finn, in the completely none platonic sense, and look how that ended up. I'd lost everyone I'd ever loved, at one point or another. For or short period of time, or forever, what did it matter if you lost them? So I knew that Blaine and I wouldn't last forever, that we wouldn't always love each other, so I should have cherished it while it while it lasted, just in case it ever stopped. Instead I did the thing I always do when I have a problem, ignore it and mope.

After several thoughts, feelings and just down right self pity, or was it guilt of what I was doing with Blaine? Not that it mattered, anyway, after all that it lead me here, sitting in Ms. Pillsbury's office. I suppose it was my own fault, though, I'd lead myself here, sitting in front of her, her big sympathetic eyes burning a hole through mine. It had basically started out the day I walked into Lima Bean and saw Blaine and Sebastian Smythe talking. Although that wasn't the real start, it was just the start of the consequences. We - That being Blaine and I - Were meeting at Lima Bean for a date? I think. It could have been a coffee break, or just an after school chat - as couples do. That's when I saw Blaine sitting there, with _him_. I walked over, feeling sick to my stomach, on their not so innocent conversation, not that I heard a word of it, but I knew what Sebastian was like. Sebastian was the first to see me, Blaine caught his eyes wandering and seen me moments later. "Hey Kurt," Blaine said innocently, as innocent as anyone could be around Sebastian. "Sebastian, this is Kurt, my boyfriend." Sebastian raised an eyebrow, about to say something, something that I would regret now, and Sebastian would regret later, but he caught me shaking my head ever so sligthly and smiled.

I extended my hand and smiled my best fake smile. "Pleasure." I sat down next to Blaine, intertwining our arms, which caused yet another raised eyebrow from Sebastian, and a smirk. Blaine was talking about something, I wasn't listening, keeping my eyes on Sebastian, making sure there were no signs he was going to say anything. The converstation went on for all of a minute before Blaine got up and went to the bathroom, or probably to get coffee, I wasn't really listening, you know, since I was already running for the best boyfriend of the year. "What the hell are you doing with my boyfriend?" I spitted out.

"Funny, I don't recall you ever mentioning a boyfriend while we were -" I cut him off before he could finish.

"Why do you care? I thought you didn't give a crap about me or my life, same vice versa."

"I was dying to meet Blaine. Those Warblers just won't shut up about him. Didn't think he could live up to the hype, but as it turns out... "

I cut him off again. "What you like him?" He laughed, not a good sign.

"No. Don't get me wrong, he's cute, but too... " He looked for the right words, after he couldn't find one, he gave up, but as per usual, didn't shut up talking. "Anyway, that's when I realized who his boyfriend of over three months was. Way more than three months, but that was the number I cared about," He didn't explain why, I already knew. Three months ago was the night we... Met. "You never told me. I felt hurt, wanted to meet the famous guy who I bested in more ways than one." He smirked. That's when Blaine came back.

"So what are you guys talking about?" Sebastian spoke up before I could even open my mouth.

"Kurt was asking if I could come along to the that play you're starring in. West Side Story." If looks could kill...

"That's a great idea, Kurt." It was lost on me why Blaine thought so. I stared into Blaine's eyes, those gorgeous eyes, and he smiled at me, unable to see the frown behind my smile. He really was innocent, like I used to be. _Time changes everyone_. It was echoing around in my head. I starred at the tray in front of me on the table, unable to look at the person I was hurting so much, except I did it the sneaky way like Sebastian, and Blaine didn't even realize it... But secrets have a way of coming out. Sebastian spoke up again.

"But as sexy as that sounds, what do you say we shake things up? I get you guys a couple of fake I.D's," He looked at me, knowing fully well I had my own. "And we head over to Scandal's in West Lima."

"Scandal's? That's the gay bar." Blaine questioned, but I had known all too well.

"The last time I was there I met the man of my dreams on the dancefloor." Sebastian was talking about me.

"That's so sweet," I probably shouldn't have asked but he was loving this too much to spoil it now. Sebastian had a thing for games. "And are you two still together?"

"Sadly, no. We broke up about twenty minutes after we met," He grinned. "But it doesn't stop us from repeating it every now and again."

"That's a little bit too much information, thank you." I said. It went completely over my head how Blaine was staying silent. Watching us.

"Really? To me, you seem like the kinda guy that likes it like that." At that point, I was sure Blaine was looking between us, sensing something was up, and that the tension was rising, still he stayed silent.

"Well, you're wrong."

"What about you, Blaine?" That was crossing a line, no matter what way you looked at it. Before Blaine had a chance to even consider forming a thought about it, I pushed the tray sitting on the table in front of me into Sebastian's coffee cup, which then crashed onto the table, and ended up spilling over Sebastian's pants. "Crap!" Sebastian stood up, wiping away at the wet material. Blaine stood up and handed him some napkins, and picked up the coffee cup. "Good thing that wasn't as hot as it should have been." He joked. It really wasn't funny.

"Oops," I said as dry and sarcastic as possible, although I was smiling like... Something that smiled alot, on the inside. Blaine still remained silent, at least when it came to me. When it came to Sebastian it was all 'Are you OK?', 'You sure?', 'It was an accident' blah blah. "Might want to go home and clean that up before school tomorrow." I said as menacingly as I could. Did I pull it off? Most likely not. Did I care? No. He nodded, smiling. He never smiled like he did today while he was with me. This smile was genuinely nice, the smile he had when I was around him, alone was more... I wasn't quite sure. It was completely different though.

"I should be getting home anyway. Bye Blaine. _See you later, Kurt_." The way he said it, so seducingly annoying. He thought he was getting lucky tonight, and with me! Unbelievable. Before I could even properly start or finish ranting in my inner thoughts, Blaine finally spoke to me, just as Sebastian left the building.

"What the hell was that?" Blaine asked, not happy.

"Did you see the way he was looking at you? The way he was with me? He was coming on to you!" I lied, but it's better than the real reason. Anything, and I do mean _anything_ was better than the real reason. I looked into his eyes again, just realizing that I had just lied directly to Blaine's face. I don't think I've ever done that before.

"I know he was," Wait, what? Either he actually was, and if that's true, Sebastian will be getting a punch, or Blaine was seeing things that weren't there, which I really hoped he was. "But it's not like I'd do anything with him, like ever he's not even my type," Thin. Brown hair. Pale skin. Taller than Blaine. Not his type at all. But it wasn't Blaine doing something with Sebastian that scared me. "Oh, and even if he was, do you think I would? God, don't you trust me?"

"You know I do. There's just... There's something about him that I don't like." Wasn't really a lie, but that doesn't mean it was the truth. A part of me really did want to tell Blaine the truth, but I couldn't. I would hurt him too much, and eventually, ne way or another people would end up finding out and it was just get ugly. It was agreed with any further arguing that we would go to Scandal's tonight. I played right into the trap, but either way Sebastian would have won. If I didn't go, he would be able to tell Blaine anything. I go, he could push me too far. No one knew it but when pushed far enough, and I do realize what I sounded like, I easily could get someone bloody. Only one person ever saw it, Sebastian. Only thing was, he enjoyed it, for Sebastian, the rougher, the riskier, the more chaotic, meant hotter. To be honest, it was the same for me.

That night, I got dressed in my fanciest clothes, hoping to God that no one recognised me, considering the few times I've been there I was wearing clothes that could have been Finn's, they were that hideous. If only a plastic bag was fashion friendly, because if it was, I would so, so wear that over my face but because of my luck it wasn't. I examined everything. Perfect clothes, check. Perfect skin, check. Perfect hair, check. Perfect relationship... To be continued. I walked downstairs, that's right I had a room upstairs ever since the hudmels moved into a different house, only downside it was next door to Finn and at night I heard some questonable sounds at best. "Going out, dad."

"Where?" My dad called out from a different room.

"Out." Admittedly, I'd been a bit of a bitch to basically everyone around me. I didn't really know why, but I was. I didn't like to think of it that way though, I liked to think of it as I was going through that annoying teenage stage phase where you turn into a hormone bomb.

"Out where?"

"With Blaine."

"That's not what I asked."

"And it's not what I answered." And with that I walked out of my house, to my car, picked up Blaine and we were on our way to Scandals. I didn't know where or when Blaine suddenly started to be so interested in having sex with me. When did my life become all about sex, seriously to the teenagers of the world, it's really not worth the thought. I found it ironic thought, that Blaine said he wanted to wait unitl it was _comfortable_ for me considering all of the almost dangerous things I'd done with... Well I don't need to draw a picture. Still, with the play coming up, sectionals after that, glee drama inbetween all that, I didn't know where he got the idea of having sex with me. We pulled up in the parking lot of Scandals. Walking towards the bar, I felt wasps in my stomach, trust me - the gayest guy, like ever - to be the only person to get somethine worse than butterflies in my stomach. Thank God it was Joey at the door. As long as you had some sort of I.D. that said you were over twenty one, he didn't care, so the sudden change in name, age wouldn't really bother him. It's not like I was fooling anyone saying I was twenty one anyway.

I knew Joey was going to say something to me along the lines of 'hey, Kurt'. He quickly stopped when I gave him a subtle shake of my head. He knew me, well that was a bit of a stretch, but he had seen me around, I'd talked to him once or twice. God, how long was Igoing to this bar?... Just under three months. We handed him our I.D's and after barely looking at them, or us, he nodded inside. "Tonight's drag queen night." And we headed in. I took a glance around. "Not very Scandalous is it?"

"No." Blaine replied. Then we saw the meerkat himself.. He was wearing that stripy green and blue, or was it stripy green and black shirt. The one he wore the first night I'd met him, sneaky bastard/ I remembered it surprisingly well, actually. It was a night of a serious follow up operation for my dad. Apparantly the non-stop check ups wasn't enough, I didn't understand a word of it from they way my dad and Carol explained it. It was too much for me and I got the fake I.D that Puck randomly gave me one day, and went to the only gay bar in town, also, the only place I wouldn't run into anyone I knew. I was dancing along the dancefloor, semi-drunk. It was a slow song, and the lights were flashing. Since I was dancing slow, apparantly it was sexy. Sebastian came up behind me, took my hips and started dancing with me. I was half drunk so I wasn't exactly stopping him, sue me, I liked feeling wanted. He got me more drunk, he got drunk himself, and I'd done the dead with him. I don't know which was worse:

1) Losing my virginity with Sebastian.

2) That I did it with someone I cheated with.

3) That I did it out of grief.

4) That I lost it in a bar toilet. A filthy one.

Take your pick. It didn't stop there, though. Anytime I had been depressed, angry, or hell even bored, Sebastian would be my way of coming to terms with it. It made me hate myself, but it did the job. To think, my mom thought I would end up being a good role model. I never really knew why Sebastian kept coming back for more. I ended up with a Shirley temple in my hand, he liked pushing my buttons. Sebastian and Blaine started dancing and I had to go somewhere without seeing them. Without seeing him. That's how I ended up in the bathroom. I stared at my reflection in the mirror for like five minutes, I must have looked so vein, but that wasn't the case, I kept staring just to see if that bitch in the mirror went away, and the real me would come back. The bathroom was completely empty besides me, at least until Sebastian walked in, eye rolling was becoming a bad habbit of mine, since I'd done it like ten times since I seen Sebastian. "Remembering your first time?" He asked.

I stared at the stall where I lost it through the mirror. "No," No bitchy comment, smart reply, or even a death glare, I must have been tired. "Where's Blaine?"

"On the dancefloor, I got bored and he started having a dance battle with some truck driver looking guy dressed all in leather."

"Which one?" I asked. Both of us actually let a chuckle out. This was the first genuine non-sex talk, non-morning after goodbye talk we've ever had. I have to be honest, I liked it. Something about it him, when I'm relaxed and it's just us two, it's comfortable. Even if it's nothing to do with sex, it's just comfortable. "Wait and see, we'll go outside and they'll be having a sing off."

"That would be fun. He's quiet the dancer. His hips really don't lie and he has the ass to go with them."

"Stop it." Sebastian put his hands on my shoulders, gently massaging them, and occasionally rubbing them up and down my arms, even more so when we began to talk. "Really stop it, Sebastian. Blaine could come in." I was practically moaning.

"He's too drunk and too busy, he won't." He was purring into my ear, getting ready to seduce me. I looked him in the eye through the bathroom mirror.

"Sebastian, stop it, please." He was looking at me, a smirk placed on his lips, he loved little vunerable me. "I don't want to do this anymore." Sebastian smiled, purring into my ear, even more so, at least. Rubbing my back, shoulders, and arms in all the wrong ways. So wrong it was actually so right.

"You say that now, but just wait, you'll come crawling back," He said, and I honestly feared it might be true. "All that time in the closet, you got used to the dark. Loved the thrill of keeping a secret, you spent all your time in there picking out clothes and being your own monster under your bed. Now, you're out of the dark, itching to go back in, only now, you've got a real secret keeping you out. One that absolutely no one knows about but me. You never belonged in the light with the others. You belong here, with me, on the dark side. Look at yourself, you know you crave that thrill, sneaking around behind everyone's backs, you might even like it. Hell, you're just a little bit in love with it." I pulled away from him, turning around to look him in the eye, dead on.

"If that were true, even just a little bit, even so I'd love that thrill more than I could ever love you." I said and he started chuckling, even genuine it sounded menacing.

"That's fine with me, I love me enough for the both of us." He was laughing even harder now, trying to compose himself. "C'mon Kurt, love is for old married couples. Sex. Passion. That's what I want."

"I love Blaine. That's why I'm stopping." But something was troubling me. "Why do you care so much? As much as I hate to say this, you could get half the guys out there. So why does it matter if it's me?"

"Because as much as I hate to say this, you're almost as good in bed as me. Probably just as good. Probably." He smiled. I walked out of the room. Just in time too, because I walked out just as Blaine - who was trying a particulary awkward and especially hard dance move resulted in Blaine on a heap on the floor. Great. I ran over to him, and along with one or two others, helped pick up.

"Are you alright, Blaine?"

"I'm fine baby, how are you?" He laughed. He was drunk, hooray. "Hey, I saw you and Sebastian going into the bathroom, were you's two having sex?" He said, laughing while I guided him to a bar stool. "I'm just kidding, I know you'd never do that to me." He smiled at me, going in for a kiss.

"Seriously Blaine, shut up." After some very brief conversation, I came to the conclusion that he was too drunk to even be standing. I helped him off the chair, at which point Sebastian chose to reappear.

"You need help?"

"I don't need your help. With anything." I spat out at him, his little monlogue in there had me thinking more than I'd like to even admit. Was I really that desperate to have such a dark side? Did I really love sneaking around behind everyone's backs? Did Sebastian know me more than my dad? More than me? It could have been true. They all could have been. Three months since I met Sebastian and we had sex like... Multiple times. Was it because of Sebastian or because of the fact that I had grown so used to lying to everyone I developed a hidden love for it? It could have been that night of my dad's operation that I just found doing that with Sebastian to be the best way to relieve stress but even so why with Sebastian? If it was just sex, then why couldn't it be with Blaine? Why did I go out of my way to do it with Sebastian? So many unanswered questions. I guided Blaine out and into my car. A half hearted, unintentional drunken rape attempt later on Blaine's account and Blaine had decided to walk home.

I knew it wasn't safe, but I couldn't bring my feet to move. I felt two arms wrap around my waist as soon as Blaine was out of sight, I jumped and moved away, but just before letting a scream escape my lips I stopped, realizing that the man standing in front of me, in the illumination of the street light was Sebastian. He was really running for desperate stalker of the year. I was too tired to scream at him, hit him, be angry at him, I just wanted him to go away so that I could go away. "What do you want?" It came out whiny, but I don't care, the alcohol I took was starting to catch up with me - I wasn't drunk, far from it, I just was a bit tipsy, but my body felt too heavy for my head.

"Blaine's gone." I actually somehow managed to laugh.

"You can't be serious." His face said it all. My face deflated. "Oh dear, you are." Before I could say anything he pounced on me, his lips attacking mine. Our kisses were always the polar opposite of Blaine and mines. Blaine and I kisses soft, sweet, the way couple's do. Sebastian and I... Our kisses were wild, destructive, but admitedly, they were hot as hell. I kisses him back. This must have been the opposite of romantic, two guys kissing outside a hardly scandelous gay bar, in the black of night, with only the street lights illuminating us, battling over control of the kiss. I knew I shouldn't have been doing this, but I was doing this but I was distressed, and hurting and I just wanted to make that go away, even just for a little bit. Then it hit me, it would only go away for a little bit. I'd always known it but it just seemed to really hit me at that moment. A short term solution for a long term problem. I pushed him off me, where he accidently bit my lip and he fell to the floor, a satisfied grin creeping along his mouth.

"There's my boy." He said, quite proudly.

"I will never be your boy."

**...**

It had been late by the time I got home. Almost five in the morning, I could tell because the sky was getting brighter and the sun rose around six this time of year. I didn't get in the car straight away. I walked around the block once or twice, just to let some of the alcohol wear off, let my head clear since I wasn't doing anything with Sebastian. I then drove home. I quietly opened the door to my house, hoping not to wake anyone up. I stepped inside, and went out of my way to close the door extra slow and extra gentle. There wasn't really a point though because when I saw into the living room, my dad was here. Wide awake. "Come in here and sit down." I obeyed.

"Hi." That was really all I had to say?

"That's really all you have to say?"

"Apparantly." I'm sure it came out worse than I intended it to, but I meant that in a non-smart ass way.

"Where were you tonight?" Shouldn't I have told him the truth? I would never breath fresh air again but he could help me, I hoped. I mean it was probably worse than it sounded; 'I was at a gay bar with two guys, one who I'm sleeping with occasionally and can't stand and the other is my boyfriend'... Yeah telling the truth wasn't a good idea. "And what the hell happened to your lip?" Huh? I gingerly put a hand to my mouth, only now realizing it was cut. Sebastian bit me when I pushed him away and he cut my lip.

"Blaine and I got carried away."

"Oh," My dad looked disappointed in me. "What's happening to you, Kurt?" Those five words were the reason I stood up and walked out of the room. My dad followed me, I was halfway up the stairs when my dad called out "Where'd my son go?"

"Upstairs." Wow I really was turning into biggest bitch since Quinn Fabray before she got pregnant... And then after she got pregnant. Which is what lead me to Ms. Pillsbury's office the first time, yes the first time. I tried to explain everything as vaguely as I possibly I could. I told her that I wasn't acting like myself, and was making questionable choices and being a bitch, that was pretty must the whole of it. "So is there something wrong with me?"

"To be honest, Kurt, I don't think that there's anything wrong with you. I just think you're making bad choices. It happens." No it wasn't. I knew there was something wrong with me. I should have probably told her that depression ran in my family and that's what caused her to kill herself. So I did. That's when she began getting worried.

"OK, Kurt. I'll tell you what, I have a friend who deals with this kind things right. Come by and see me last period, and I'll ask her expert opinion, OK?" I nodded. Great, first step is getting help. Even though that wasn't the first step of anything but... So school went by extra slow. Glee was alright, but I couldn't look at Blaine, who couldn't look up due to his hangover. Even after glee school went extra, extra slow. But finally, last period came and it was all I could do to not run into Mrs Pillsbury's office. I knocked and she beckoned me in. I sat down and she smiled at me.

"So?" I asked, literally on the edge of my seat, I could feel the tears building up. I could feeling the butterflies in my stomach. I could feel the sweat starting to build. She smiled at me, and put her hand on mine.

"Kurt, relax." She smiled at me once again. "Breathe" I did so, and she sat back, wiping her hand with a cloth. "I talked to my friend, and based on what you told me, she doesn't think there's any cause for alarm." That was probably the worst thing she could have said. I felt my eyes water, I'd imagine they looked like a road after it rained. So if there's nothing wrong with me, then I was acting like this because it was who I was. I wasn't going through a phase. Or acting like a bitch. Or acting at all. This was me. She must have saw me go pale and my eyes water because her eyes were burning a hole in my head. "I don't think you heard me right. I said you were fine." I looked at her. Shaking my head.

"There has to be something wrong with me. I'm not being me. I'm lying to everyone, I'm sneaking around behind everybody's backs, I'm ditching classes all just to sleep with Sebastian." I didn't mean for it to slip out but it did. I gasped, and looked at her in shock. Word vomit. That's when the tears slipped out. She looked at me, the shock in her eyes replaced with sympathy. Ms Pillsbury knew all the glee drama. Somehow everyone in glee found out about Sebastian, then Mr. Schue did, and he told her. I was breathless as I was talking. "Please don't tell anyone." I breathed it out, letting all the thoughts sink in. "Especially Blaine. The way he would look at me. What he would think. I'd be his Sebastian." Ms Pillsbury raised an eyebrow, growing confused.

"You'd be his Sebastian... But aren't you... Erm... Doing... That... With... Yeah" She asked, obviously uncomfortable, but I couldn't stop talking. She didn't seem to mind though, she was growing curious.

"I can't stand him. Even the thought of him make me sick. The thought's of his hands anywhere near me... " Ms. Pillsbury looked more comfortable. But I just had to ask her something. Something that had been plaguing my mind for three months now. "So why do I keep cheating with him?" She looked at me, pity in her big eyes. She didn't know. My cries were growing louder and stronger, and Ms Pillsbury let me cry. I don't know how I didn't collapse but I didn't. I just kept crying. "Why can't I stop?"

I didn't know how this was gonna end. But this is how this whole thing got started. No one knows how to build themselves back up unless they fall down. No one knows what it's like to be able to finally stand up straight, after you've had a downward spiral. Hopefully, I'll soon find out what's like to get back on my feet.


	2. Chapter 2

**6 reviews, 3 favourites and 10 follows, and it's only chapter 1... I'd say I'm doing pretty good so far, but you know, there's no such thing as too many reviews.. just keep that in mind while reading this :) Oh and thanks for the people who followed, faved, reviewed or even gave this story a chance, means a lot to me :) On with the story...**

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Quite a few things had happened since my little crying session with Ms. Pillsbury. I had decided to stop being a moody little bitch and get over myself, especially to my dad. I mean, I really did have to face the fact that I had an amazing dad. I couldn't ask for a better one and the way I was treating him wasn't right. The school play went ahead, and we did an amazing job, Sebastian showed up with all the warblars, but I didn't let it bother me. Well it got to me a little bit, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day. Blaine and I made up and had finally had sex. For the first time in what seemed to be forever, I had woken up the day after without hating myself. It lasted ten seconds, and ended when I saw Blaine. I just looked at him, sleeping, so... Amazing. I wasn't going to do anything to jeprodise that. Ever. Not again. Another thing that happened was I was avoiding Ms. Pillsbury like the plague. Even that was an understatement.

After I cried for what seemed like hours, she told me she would ask her friend about it again, in more detail and see if anything else might have been wrong, just to be sure. I suppose seeing the state I ended up in she could see I was really desperate. I couldn't face her for a number of reasons. One thing was I couldn't talk to her knowing that she knew of what I was doing. Another reason was I was afraid of what she was going to tell me. Another thing was I'm pretty sure it was illegal to be having sex while in your highschool. I was actually doing good to avoid her, it went on for three days (the fact that two of them were over the weekend wasn't the point) until the last day when she decided to pull me out of class. That's how I ended up sitting across from her in her office again. I wasn't going to cry this time. "Kurt, I want to clear things up. I'm not going to tell anyone about what we discuss here, nothing leaves these four walls."

"What if someone else comes in these four walls... Will you tell them, then?" I asked, at this point I wasn't sure if I was being sarcastic or serious, I had gotten that used to being a bitch. If that didn't say something about my out of character-ness I don't know what did. She chuckled, OK so she thought I was joking, if it was good enough for her, it was good enough for me.

"No. It's between us. And I think you think that I... Am going to tell someone about... What you've been doing... I won't." She wasn't going to? Hm. Didn't see that coming. "You're eighteen, and as long as you don't do it in the actual school, it's really no one's business but your own." Well, that's one thing out of the way. "Now, down to business." Hooray. "My friend said that one night you were feeling anxious about your father, and maybe even you're relationship, and you're first instinct was to run." I suppose that made sense, during Karofsky's rain of terror, the first chance I got, I ran to Dalton. When my mom died, I ran into my room and didn't come out (no pun intended) for years. "You made a mistake, that got you feeling so guilty, and depressed, and even more anxious, and because you do you make the mistake again, which leads to more guilt. Kind of like a cycle. She said the best way to get over it was to either come clean about it... Which I suppose you technically did, to me. The other way, which is the lesser one, is to um... Stop. Or both." She let out a nervous noise, not liking this conversation. "It's just a little teenage angst. Just a little more, though." I didn't know how to feel about that. It was lot of information to get. I didn't know what to say.

"Thank you. For going to all that trouble just for me. Really, thank you." She smiled at me. Not the sympathetic smile, an actual smile, it was great to see that on her, it meant things were actually normal. Or starting to be. Then the smile went away.

"My friend also said another thing. She said the reason you... Deal with things with this Sebastian boy, is because you shared a connection with him. But the reason you hate him, is because you assoiciate him with... You're dealing of things." I stared at her. Sebastian and I shared a connection? How so? "She said it might be healthy if you, you know, started to associate him with the good memory. It might relieve you of some of that stress." I started to think... There was something.

"I kind of remember something."

"Do you want to talk about it? You don't have to but if you want to... It always helps."

_The lights were hurting my eyes, so I had to keep them closed. Even with my eyes closed, I felt someone staring at me. I suppose dancing slow to some people meant dancing sexy. Which apparantly I couldn't according to Blaine. Blaine. Why didn't I go to his house to talk? Instead of going to get drunk, which I wasn't, only slightly tipsy. Although, it wasn't like I would pass up a drink, ever since I became an alcoholic for like a week, I hadn't really stopped. I mainly saved it for incidents. Hell, the only reason I didn't drink at Rachel's house party last year was because I didn't want to make a fool of myself by vomiting or worse in front of Blaine. Now, I could vomit on someone and I could be like 'Hey, I have bigger problems'. Still, Blaine... Hearing about this operation got me thinking about me and Blaine's relationship. Was it going to last forever? It's not like he was going to propose to me or anything. The same vise virsa. _

_If we did, what would happen if what happened to my parents happened to me? What if we adopted, or got a surrogate and then one of us died, and the other was left to care for a child on their own. What if we were those people that were highschool sweethearts and didn't ever get with anyone else. That's scary. This was just the alcohol talking. It better not have been, since alcohol made you think and speak the truth. I heard steps behind me, and they were moving, dancing. As was I, so I didn't really pay any attention to the guy behind me._

_That's when I felt two arms wrap around my waist and a chest pressing into my back. A mouth whispered into my ear "Hey, sexy."_

_"Smoothe criminal," I said, almost laughing. I pressed my head into his shoulder, I still hadn't seen his face, not that I wanted to. I was being surprisingly cool about this, but I suppose it was just harmless flirting. It's not like I was going to do anything about it. I was with Blaine, and that's the only reason I needed to know I wouldn't do anything. "You could at least buy me a drink first." I said smiling. He let go and I turned around to see who my mystery man was. He was handsome, I had to admit. But he wasn't anything like Blaine. He was tall, pale, skinny - not that Blaine wasn't but, you know, this guy was skinny-skinny. "Hey, handsome, I'm Kurt." Maybe I was slightly drunk... I'd had two vodka shot - thanks to drunken biker guy number one. And three beers, thanks, well me. Before April Rhodes, the vodka shots alone with get me seriously drunk, but now, I was mildly drunk at best. OK, maybe I was drunk. But you know, only averagly._

_"Sebastian." The boy in front of me said. Sebastian, it was a nice name. The boy alone gave me that 'Cruel Intentions' Vibe, and considering his name was Sebastian... Well, I'd bet one of my many scarves that he was a player. _

_"Sebastian... I like that name" Was all that came out, I didn't realize we were still swaying to the beat of the music. I only realized it when Sebastian put a hand to my waist and slipped around so that it stopped on the small of my back._

_"You should hear my phone number." He grinned, a player grin, I was good at this character guessing, I threw my head back, laughing. That was a line._

_"Buy me a drink and we'll see if I see." Was that as smoothe as I thought? Who cares I was never going to see him again. We sat down at the bar and he ordered two beers. He looked around at all the dancing men. Not exactly enjoying what he was seeing, it suddenly occured to me why he picked me to dance with out of everyone, I was the best choice. Of course. "So, what's a guy like you doing in a place like this?" I asked._

_He looked at me, smiling. "Enjoying the view." He winked at me. Not bad. "I could also ask the same about you." I wasn't going to tell a stranger all my problems, was I? It would probably get him to leave me alone, and at the same time let me relieve all my stress. Talking helps after all. At least, that's what I'd heard. But, rather than doing that, I just thought I'd tell him straight._

_"I'm not going to sleep with you." He rolled his eyes._

_"Oh, yeah, because that's what I want to do," He said, I'm not sure if he was being sarcastic or not. "Do you really think that's what I want to do?" He asked._

_"Yes."_

_"Well you're a good judge of character." We both let out a laugh. The two drinks ended up in front of us. I took a sip, and looked him in the eye. "Really, though, why are you here? You don't look like you come here a lot, like you don't unless you need to."_

_"Good judge of character also. Truth is I'm having some family drama that I don't want to... Deal with." A sudden rush of guilt hit me. Like a punch in the mouth. My dad was in hosptial, with Carol, without me. Sure he said he didn't want me there, incase it got me all worked up. But that meant that he wanted me there, just didn't want me to worry. And I was in a gay bar, drinking my sorrows away, like a coward. Sebastian was looking at me closely, examining me. Trying to think of something to say, most likely. Suppose he didn't want the whole truth._

_"Let me guess, mother, father or both found out that you're gay and didn't like it?" He said bitterly. Something was coming to the surface for him. I shook my head, and he looked down for a second, taking a long swig of his drink. Then looked back at me._

_"No, my dad knows. He was actually surprisingly good about it." I said, remembering how he reacted. the utter joy that he reacted exactly how I dreamed he would. Sebastian scoffed. Some things were coming into light._

_"That makes one of us." Something about this didn't quite sit right. I thought he'd be the kind of guy who would play the sympathy card to make you feel sorry for him, and then that would make you want to have sex with him... Wait, what? That made more sense before it came out, but you know, some people actually do that. Apparantly. "So, I had my guess, want to tell me what the actual problem is?" He asked, and I thought about telling him. Why not? Blame it on the alchol, right?_

_"My dad is going in for an operation. He had a heart attack a year ago and I just... I'm really not ready to have to go through those feelings all over again," I took a swig of my drink. Makes everything that little bit easier to say. "It was one of the hardest times in my life. Almost as hard as when my mom died," He was giving me a look, I wasn't sure what it was. I didn't know him well enough to judge him, but the look of sympathy made him look like he hated it. Like he didn't like feeling that feeling. On a first look, I'd guess his parents didn't like the idea of the gay thing, so he was acting out - going to bars and hitting on everyone in sight, again not that I knew him to know but you know, on a first guess. "I get the feeling I'm not the only sitting here who has parent problems?" He looked at me, dead serious expression on his face. I got the feeling he was thinking over telling me, too._

_He opened his mouth, then closed it and just nodded. I got the feeling he didn't talk about this alot. Or at all. "Rich family, parents didn't have time for me. Finally came out and... They didn't want to have time for me." Short, but bittersweet. Except without the sweet. It was like eating something that tasted horrible, and left the taste in your mouth. That's how that story felt. Whether it was the story itself, or the way he said. All I knew was that it definetly wasn't him trying get the sympathy vote. So I was have right. He probably was a good guy at heart, but he was just acting out by coming here. Hell, I didn't even know the guy, this might be the first time he ever came here, and could also possible be the last. But the way he grabbed my hips and the 'Hey, sexy' just didn't feel like he was acting out this one time. There was also the fact that about five guys walked past him and said 'Hey, Sebastian' so like, doubt he didn't do this alot. I put one of my hands on his hand, resting on the counter. It wasn't a move, it was a sign of comfort, I suppose._

_"You must be really brave," I smiled. Another sign of comfort, when someone you liked - or could have a chance of getting to like when the time came - smiled, you couldn't not feel that little bit better. "I don't think I could live that way." I said honestly. We were looking at each other, eye to eye._

_"You get used to it." He said, his thumb circling my hand._

"I suppose that's kind of a connection, right?" I asked Ms. Pillsbury. "I mean, we both shared some really personal things, and the way we looked into each other's eyes, and I suppose we were kind of holding hands." I looked into her eyes. "Am I a bad person?" She shook her head. "Thanks Ms. Pillsbury but I really have to go." I quickly got up and walked out of the room, I hoped I didn't seem rude but I didn't think she'd mind. I ran into the hall to be met by Blaine, on his way out of school. Oh, right, school was over. It was weird seeing Blaine after telling Ms. Pillsbury about my _connection_ with Sebastian. He smiled at me and took my hands in his own. His tan hands in my pale ones looked strange. Polar opposites attract.

"Hey babe, where were you? I thought we were meeting up at your locker right after class. I waited a few minutes and checked out your classroom but you weren't there," Was he always this clingy? I completely forgot about that. Actually I don't even remember saying that. "I'm just kidding," He began laughing. "You should see your face."

I managed to laugh, why did he have to make me feel so guilty about cheating on him? Couldn't he be abusive or something? "Oh thank God Blaine, I thought you became one of those overly attached boyfriends. You know, the one I'm supposed to be?" He laughed.

"Hey, you wanna come over to mine before the play? I wanna practice and read over some lines." Oh yeah, the second night of the play is on tonight. I really do need to check my schedule lately, at this rate I'm surprised I remember my own name.

"Like you don't already know all the lines." I said, jokingly. He nodded and we agreed to meet up at Blaine's house in about an hour, giving me enough time to change. I drove home and got changed into my nicest clothes, maybe if I wore enough layers upon layers of clothes, I'd feel better about myself. I wouldn't but if you kept being optimistic then I'm guessing something good was bound to happen to you. I mean I hadn't seen Sebastian in a few days, that was a good thing. My dad didn't ground me, that's a good thing. Although, we weren't exactly on a talking basis. I stared at myself in the mirror again. I was slowly getting better and better at fixing that 'To be continued' on my perfect relationship. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and I knew they were my dad's. He gently opened the door and stepped into the room. I looked at him through the mirror, I didn't think I'd be able to look at him directly eye to eye. "Hi, dad."

"Hi, um... " Things were still awkward between us. I couldn't apologize, not yet. Not until I was sure I could fix it, or how. Until then I deserved to suffer, I had put him through hell, in more ways than one. "I was just wondering if you would be back in time for dinner?" Why was he being less discipline-y? Usually he'd be screaming at me to stop being a bitch. Or at least not let me out of my room, the fact that he was being so good was scarier than being scary... Maybe this was my punishment. I'd be so freaked out by the fact that he wasn't freaked out, causing me to lose sleep and like, die.

"Uh, no, I'll grab a bite after the play." He nodded and was almost out the door but; "Dad?" I froze, not what do I say? He turned around, looking at me expectedly. Crap. Really, what the hell do I say?

"Yeah?"

"Nevermind." Good going, Kurt. Really, maybe next I could do something even worse, like spit on his face. He looked at me, an unreadable expression on his face. I didn't know what to say to make him stop staring at me like _that_. Finally, he spoke up.

"Kurt, I was a teenager too, you know. I've been there... Well probably not exactly there but... " He stopped, planning his words carefully, trying not to offend me, or make me go all bitch on him. "Do what you have to do, Kurt." And with that he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. See, amazing dad. Why was everyone being so nice to me when I didn't deserve it? If they were to ignore me, scream at me, hell even hit me, I'd feel better, but no, they were being nice to me. It's like they knew what I was doing and wanted to make me feel as bad as I could about it. Not paranoid at all...

About twenty minutes later I was sitting on Blaine's bed, the one he thought I lost my virginity in, I wished. Now that would have been romantic, but no. Not my luck. We were talking and laughing, and he was trying to do this dance move to the musical on his iPod. And failing. "You are the only gay guy in America that can't do this move." Blaine said to me, and I couldn't but I didn't really care, I was too busy trying to be happy. For him. For us. The song on his iPod changed into the next one. It was 'The way you look tonight." Blaine smiled at me. "Come here." He said, extending his arms and smiling at me.

"What?"

"Just come here." I stood up and took his hands, and we embraced. We began dancing, just enjoying being a couple. For what felt like the first time in ages. He planted a kiss on my lips...

_I felt his thumb circling my hand, and I thought of a way to stop the intimate moment. "Hey, let's dance our trouble's away." I said, taking his hand and walking to the dancefloor. The music was dancey, rave, hip hop kind of music. The kind you dance to when you're drunk. I let his hand go and we danced for two seconds before the music changed to a slow song. The kind you dance with a partner. Like couples. I looked at Sebastian awkwardly and he raised an amused eyebrow. "Um, it's a little slow, don't you think?" I asked, and he laughed. Even drunk I was a prude. Even though it was only dancing, it was still intimate. Was it really? I mean, it's only dancing. It's not like I would be cheating on Blaine by dancing with Sebastian, wouldn't I? This could have been the alcohol making me think this, but again, blame it on the alcohol._

_"You're not married are you? It's only a dance." That was true. We didn't dance like everyone was, all the other couples - by couple I meant two people, not an actual couple because Sebastian and I weren't a couple - were holding onto each others shoulders and hips. Sebastian and I were just dancing separatly - together. Every few seconds we'd get that little bit closer. Right until we were in each other's faces, just occasionaly looking at each other. Our lips were hovering over each other. "Sucks about your dad by the way."_

_"Thanks," I said, fearing of close our lips were, I turned around, pressing my back into Sebastian's chest, and I hope to all that is good that there was a stick of dynamite in his pocket. I drank the rest of the beer in one go, to make the feeling of awkward-ness go away, but it probably wasn't the best of my choices tonight. Because I actually became flattered by the 'stick' in his pocket. "Same about your parents." The dance became that little bit more intimate than it should have. Grinding and hands moving about each other's bodies. By that point, I was definetly drunk._

I snapped out of the flashback and looked at Blaine in the eye. Those gorgeous eyes. He suddenly looked like he remembered something, checking his watch. "Crap, the play will be on in a couple hours, and Artie and Rachel want us there early. Like we need more rehearsing." He said and I nodded. We went to school, and I went out of my way to hold Blaine's hand the entire time. I wouldn't let go for the world, that was until we had to take five and Blaine went to the bathroom and I needed some air, I was already sweating.

And of course, because he had no life of his own, and just lived to torment me, Sebastian showed up. "What?" I asked, in no mood for him. He smiled at me, not his usual player smirk, more like that annoyed smile when someone you don't like says something to you.

"Please princess, not everything's about you. I'm here for Blaine," The worst part was he wasn't lying. "He never gave back the idea's for the set list, dance moves blah blah for Sectionals. Warblers personally asked me to get it back... Not that I wouldn't have volunteered."

"I think I'd rather you were here for me." I said dryly, obviously not for _that_ but just because I couldn't stand the idea of Sebastian around Blaine. Rain began to come down, a drop or two every few seconds, not exactly a summer storm. Then his cheeky smirk came back.

"I bet you would." I went to say something but he stopped me before I could even open my mouth. "Whatever, I'm really not interested. Where's Blaine?" He asked, clearly someone got his panties (which considering the extent he'd go in the bedroom, I wouldn't be surprised if he was wearing a pair) in a bunch. I rolled my eyes, and let my shoulders relax, pointing the door.

"Check the bathroom and auditorium."

"You not afraid I'm gonna try and steal your boy toy?" He asked, and I wasn't. I wouldn't ever be.

"No, because unlike some of us, he's faithful when he's in a relationship."

"Sucks to be him." He said, smiling. "When are you going to stop going through this phase of 'I don't want to sleep with you, Sebastian'? I'm getting tired of it." I answered without skipping a beat, giving it right back to him.

"Because you're like a drug to me and I don't mean that in the flattering way that only you would find flattering. I can't stop using you, even though I know it's slowly killing me, and hurting everyone I care about." He smiled again. Who smiles that much, what is he, the _freaking_ joker? He leaned in and put his hand on the wall beside my head, the rain slowly picking up and the night begining to crawl in.

"Don't let the gay fool you, I'm rock 'n roll, I've got an appetite for destruction. Like you, I destroy everything I touch." He always had to hit home, didn't he? Always found a way to make me feel just that little bit worse than I was already feeling. I was right when I first saw him, he was cruel intentions in every way shape and form. I thought since he was hitting home, I might as well do the same.

"You're a disease. Contagious."

"Not to mention worth catching." I rolled my eyes, not in the mood for him anymore.

"It's over. Go away, Sebastian." He walked in to the school. About ten minutes later Sebastian came back out, I thought he'd walk away without looking back but he didn't instead he took about ten steps, turned back, got right up in my face and looked me straight in the eye.

"Whether you admit it or not, we had a connecion Kurt. That's why I want to continue doing what we do. Not because you're good in bed. You are, but when it's with someone you actually feel... _Something_ with, it's so much better." With that he walked away. I didn't know that. There was that word again. Sebastian and I really did share. Ms. Pillsbury knew it before me. Her friend knew it before me. Sebastian knew it before me. I could see that night all over again.

_A drink later and I could barely walk. Sebastian was pretty much the same. We were both glistening with the layer of sweat on us, with all the dancing. I needed to go home soon, I knew that much. Even so, I couldn't stop touching Sebastian's stripy green and black shirt as I was drunk babbling to him. "You know... For someone I just met - You really are cool.. I mean I haven't even had this much fun with my boyfriend in... In... Weeks." I was starting to think about Blaine and I. I just couldn't see us together after I left school. Even this year, with us two in separate schools, competing against each other, and when one of us lost, there was bound to be hard feelings. Sebastian raised an eyebrow._

_Sebastian stumbled back a little. "Wait, wait, wait... Boyfriend?" He asked, and I couldn't help but giggle, moving closer to the warmth that was Sebastian. I hadn't felt this loved for a while now. "You never mentioned you had a boyfriend."_

_"I thought I did... Didn't I?" He began laughing._

_"Christ I don't even know," Blaine and I never had this much fun. Not since Regionals, or maybe a little after that. "It makes you that much hotter, you know that? The fact that you don't even have to play hard to get... You're unatainable by default." We had stopped dancing, it may have been the alcohol but the fact that Sebastian found me hot was kind of nice. He was a player, I could tell that much, but that wasn't a line. Granted, that may have been the alchohol talking too but... Sebastian was pretty hot too. God, that was the alchohol that made me say that. He was staring down at me, with his incredible eyes. "You really do have the best skin I've ever seen. Like porcelain." I rolled my eyes, playfully swatting him on the arm._

_"So I've heard." I smiled at him, and he smiled right back. "Your's ain't half bad either." If we kept staring at each other, it would get to the point were it began looking pervy, and at this rate, it would get to that point. Blaine. Just keep thinking of Blaine, that would make me think clearer. I looked at away, and even though I couldn't see him, I could hear it from the way he was breathing and out of the corner of my eye, that he didn't like the way I'd stopped staring._

_"Kurt.." He said, trying to find a way to face me._

_"Sebastian... I can't... " I got out as he put his hand under my chin and rubbed his thumb against my lips. I thought I'd die before I'd cheat on Blaine, but at that momemt there was nothing more that I wanted than for Sebastian to kiss me. So when he did, the only thing I could do was kiss back. The night went on to me and Sebastian having sex in the bar toilet._

I quickly snapped out of it, not enjoying the memory. Blaine poked his head out of the doorway. "You coming in?" I nodded.

"Yeah, in a minute." The night flew in. One minute I was singing in the play and the next I was at home, and as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was asleep. Not a word to anyone. I needed to start being more social again, because soon my friends would be gone and this was not the year to lose touch with them. I had a dream that night, that I was falling and I was terrified. On the way down, I saw Sebastian, being carried away by a black balloon, offering his hand out for me to hold on to, so I wouldn't fall, and waiting for me on the ground was Blaine, his arms extended for me to fall into, so he would catch me. I woke up before I decided which one to chose. I was pretty sure that meant something but I couldn't be sure, after all, it was only my subconscious trying to tell me something. Blaine poked his head through my door.

"Hey." He said smiling. Why was he here? "Didn't you get my text?" Apparantly my confusion for him being here was all over my face since he felt the need to exlain. I reached under my pillow and took out my phone, I had a text from Blaine asking if it was OK to come over around this time about an hour ago, if I texted back 'No.' he woudn't. If I didn't text back or said yes, it would be OK for him to come over, I still wasn't quite sure where he got that from, but hey... It was nice to wake up to see his smiling face. "Not happy to see me?" He asked, joking. He knew I was.

"Just surprised." I said. "Since when do you put winky faces on innocent texts?" His eyebrows pulled together, looking at the text.

"Typo."

_I woke up the next morning in my bedroom. As soon as I lifted my head up the headache kicked in, and then the sick feeling that was my hangover. I took my phone out from under my pillow to check the time, it was almost ten. I also had two messages. I opened the first one... Who the hell was Sebastian Smythe... Oh God. And it all came rushing back to me. The guilt kicked in almost immediately. The text read: 'Last night was fun, we should do it again next time ;)', I closed my eyes. Letting the pain of what I'd done sink in... And not the good kinda pain I expierenced last night, but actual pain._

_I looked at my other text. It was (of course) from Blaine, saying 'Hey babe, is it alright if I come around at around noon? I have an anniversery/soooo sorry to hear about your dad present for you? :)'. Why did I have to have the best boyfriend in the world?_

"So best boyfriend in the world, what are you waiting for? Kiss me." The morning went by pretty much as fast as last night went, until Blaine got a phone call asking him to come home soon. He went to leave but I called him back in for a second, for ten seconds I meant to tell him I loved him, but I when he turned around and saw his face, I knew what I had to say, and knew that I couldn't continue lying to him anymore. "I slept with Sebastian."

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**Endings kind of rushed but I'm tired and I wanted to finish this chapter before I fell asleep :) anyway please review :)**


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